What's Up?
 
This is a toned down version of something I wrote on an angry blog many years ago. Some people thought I was being a jerk for writing it and accused me of road rage.

Just in case you think that may be the case, this is satirical.

I rarely honk my horn.

Proposed New Rules for the Road

Swerving, darting, weaving, passing on the shoulder, tailgating, slamming on the brakes, blasting the horn, and even flipping people off - no matter what combination of these I try, it seems I am not getting my message through to other drivers. Just the other day I was busy dialing my cell phone, and, when I looked up, traffic in front of me had stopped. I had to slam on the brakes so quickly, I barely had time to grab the steering wheel!

This is simply getting out of hand!

If you are unable to show me the courtesy of staying off the road at the times I use it, then the least you can do is follow these new rules for the road I am herewith proposing:

Rule number one: Stay out of my way. If you happen to mess up on it, then get out of my way. If I am taking the time to drive, I am trying to get somewhere. I don’t need you blocking my progress. For example, if you are at a red light trying to make a free right turn, there is no need to wait for traffic to clear to do so. Just go. God had auto manufacturers put brakes on those other guys’ cars just so you can get out of my way.

Rule number two: Be a good samaritan on your own time. If someone is trying to get out of a parking lot, and traffic is backed up past the driveway, that is his or her problem. If you stop to let that person in, you are not only wasting some of my time, but you are also allowing someone else to be in my way. It is like violating rule number one twice. If you absolutely must be a good samaritan, please have the courtesy to be behind me.

Rule number three: Learn how to merge. It is like somehow natural selection missed taking out people with deficient merging genes, and now the entire population, except for me, is afflicted with this malady. With hope that it can be taught, the way it is done is to get your vehicle going the speed of the cars traveling in the lane into which you are merging. Align your car with an opening between cars in that lane. Merge.

That means if I am one car length behind the car I am following, in front of me is not the place to merge. If you are a cop, or look like you might be a cop, then the place to merge is in front of me, not behind me. Do not slow down if I slow down to let you in front of me. My car is rather gutless, so it will take me a mile or more to get enough speed to catch you so I can flip you off.

Now, there are some other rules that I can think of, but I don’t want to inundate you with too much common sense all at once. Heck, I am concerned that as full the brains of most people are with things like what to have for dinner and what is on television tonight, that there is enough room to absorb these three rules.

© 2016 - Goldwing Tom
Back to Goldwing Tom dot com
Back to Goldwing Tom dot com